Tuesdays Aren't Super Fun.

Today, I am mad.  I am mad that all of this has happened and I couldn't stop it, no matter how many times I tried.
I am mad that certain decisions were made by some people to forever change the course of my family.
I am mad that I am not having dinner with my daughter tonight.  I don't even know what she is eating for dinner tonight.
I am mad that I am done with all of my errands I planned to keep me busy all afternoon.  Now, I am in this big, quiet house with just the dogs and the fish.
I have always felt that I have a pretty good grip on my life.  I know what to expect and what the plan is.  For the first time ever, I don't have that and things feel out of control.  I think that is why I am trying so hard to redo the house.  I have control in the decisions, when it is done and where the furniture will go.  It is one area I have full control over.
I am sad for Addison.  This was not supposed to be her life.  She was not supposed to have to split weekends, birthdays or holidays.  I know she is so young, she will not remember.  But she is so young, she will not know how things were.
We were a great, happy, fun family.  There was never any fighting in our house.  Never.  Don't you have to fight and argue and hate each other to pieces before you get divorced?  Nope.  I guess, all it takes are a few poor decisions and it can be over.  And because of that, I am mad.

I am so looking forward to picking up this sweet girl from her school tomorrow!  Oh, how I LOVE her!

The List.

Look around your house.  I mean really look around.  Do you even know how much stuff you have?  We have a ton of stuff.  A ton of pointless-in the big scheme of things-stuff.
During mediation last week, Jimmy brought an inventory list.  This is a list of things he made, over the course of a few days, detailing everything we own.  His list was pages and pages and pages of things he has, things I am keeping and things I currently have that he wants.
It really made me think-what is worth fighting for?  What would you put on your list?  I am not trying to make myself look better here, but I never thought of half of the stuff on the list.  From day one, I have been concerned with and focused on fighting for my Addison.  Getting so upset over things lately, my dad will tell me, "They are just things and we can buy things again."  Isn't that so right?  I can buy a new printer, a new dry erase board or a new ottoman.  I can never buy time with my precious girl again.
Even though, in my previous post, I said I am redoing my whole house, I have learned one big thing in all of this.  Stuff won't make you happy.  The people you surround yourself with and the people you love are what is important.  They are worth fighting for.  A grill, doorknobs (seriously.), a bedroom set or even a new tv should not be worth a fight.

We got a fish.

One of Addison's favorite part of going to my mom and dad's house (besides that she is spoiled rotten and surrounded by people she loves) is their beta fish.  She spends much of her time there on her stool, watching the fish swim.

Tonight, she and I went to PetSmart and found the perfect 'fishy.'  

 She didn't understand why she couldn't get it out of the cup and got quite frustrated several times.  For such a little person, she can be pretty loud.

As soon as we got home, she hopped on her stool and tried to pet the fish.  That will have to be rule number one.  I don't want to find a fish on her playroom floor.

This is the best picture of our new friend.  It is a crown tail beta and just gorgeous!

You can't tell from this picture below but she is in the middle of a fit because its time to tell the fish 'night-night.'

I pushed it to the back of the counter and you would have thought I told her she was never going to eat again.

Incase you were wondering, Jimmy was opposed to the fish idea.  I think, little by little, I am doing things to sort of rebel.  I may regret the fish thing one day (these things are supposed to live 2-3 years), but right now, we are doing what we want. 

Here We Go...

Hello Friends!  Welcome to our new blog, our new life and our new normal.  If you are a previous follower of my other blog, or this even older one, you know Jimmy and I have been married for almost five years.  We have one adorable, precious girl, Addison.  We have been so very blessed with wonderful jobs we love and we are good at.  We have been blessed with a great house that was scheduled to be paid off (!!) in December!  We have traveled every year and done amazing things!  I would say from the outside looking in, we had a perfect life.  Heck, from the inside looking out, our life was amazing - or so I thought.

On January 31, I found out things that I never thought I would.  Once I confronted Jimmy about these issues, our relationship and our future, he simply said, he wanted his old life back.  There would be no counseling, rebuilding or fixing the problems, he was done.  A few days later, he had his own apartment.  At the risk of sounding too dramatic, I have to say, these past two months have been the most turbulant, uneasy, hardest, worst and darkest I have ever had to face.  All of a sudden, I don't know what my tomorrow looks like, let alone next weekend, our next year, or next ten years.  My hope and dreams for my family, my daughter and myself have had to change.  That is hard to deal with.  I still don't know what the future will look like and I am having to learn to be somewhat ok with that.

This past week, we went to mediation.  In our county, mediation is required by all judges before a couple can get divorced.  (Just saying that makes me want to throw up.)  In mediation, we decided Addison's visitation schedule and division of the property.  Addison and I are staying in the house.  She will be with me the majority of the time.  Jimmy will get to pick up Addison from her school on Tuesday nights and take her back on Wednesday mornings.  He will also have her the first, third and fifth Friday night of the month and bring her to me on Saturday evening.  Even adjusting to the thought that I won't see my baby all the time is difficult for me.

Through all of this awfulness (is that a word?), I have come to realized how blessed I am still.  First off, I have learned to pray harder than before.  God and I are having multiple conversations a day-even about teeny things.  My family is amazing.  I have called my parents early in the morning and late at night and they are always available.  It seems as if Addison and I are always at their house or they are at my house.  I am so thankful for them.  I have an incredible support group of friends.  I have cried my eyes out more times than I can count around them.  They have brought me breakfast at school to make sure I am eating, helped me paint the house, came up with a new blog name for me, listened to me, prayed for me, and are always checking in on me.  I love them for that.  My team at school has taken my class several times while I have had to regroup and get myself on the right track.  That is huge.  Addison's babysitter loves her to pieces.  She texts me throughout the day and lets me know how Addison is doing, what is going on and just letting me know she is giving her extra hugs that day.  We love Ms. Liz!

Addison and I are still living our life as normal as possible.  I enrolled her in gymnastics!  I have been wanting to do that for awhile and now seems as good a time as any!  She loves it, until she doesn't!  Then, she starts telling us all "NO!" 

I just ran my 6th Half Marathon!  I even PR'ed with a time of 1:49.  In my running world, that is pretty good and I was so excited with that time! 

I have not had to miss any school and I am so thankful.  I love, love my job!  I really do!  I love the kids that I get to work with everyday!  I love that I have to be in a great mood for them! 

I am redoing the whole house. I have painted all but a few rooms, trying to make it mine and Addison's.  Even still, I wake up in the middle of the night and I realize this isn't a bad dream.  This is actually happening and it is my 'new normal.' 

I have been missing my blog, but haven't felt like posting anything. Once I knew, for sure, the way things were headed and what things were going to look like, I wanted to start a new one.  I am not sure the direction this new blog will take.  I will continue to update our events and activities, but will probably include some things about whats going on as we take this new path.  I'm not sure, but welcome to Keep Calm and Hula!